Advice for Dealing with New Relationships
When we are actively dating we sometimes forget what the end game is all about – relationships. We can forget why we are dating in the first place and what we hope to achieve. The result of this is that when we finally meet someone we like and spend time with them and start falling in love, we panic.
This doesn’t just apply to the archetypal male, but to women too. Yes getting involved is scary stuff. Remember this why you are dating in the first place. The end result of dating is a relationship, maybe a long term one, maybe a relationship even leading to marriage. Therefore take your time and get it right.
We can argue all day about when dating becomes a relationship. Maybe after 3 months, maybe after sex. Maybe after meeting their parents, even after moving in together. For some a relationship begins at engagement, for others it occurs the moment the other party agrees to see them again. It doesn’t matter. One day, we all accept that today we are in a relationship. Okay what should we do to sustain it?
Talk to each other. Talk a lot, and keep talking. The first thing that goes wrong in any relationship is a change in communication. Simply put, people stop trying and relax. People in relationships stop communicating (gradually) and this quickly turns into taking your partner for granted. Fact. When your better half comes home from work talk to them about whatever they like, even if you are tired. And the 100% rule of thumb is always always ALWAYS look at your partner when you are listening and talking.
I have seen this more than I can ever describe, one person in a relationship talking, the other repeatedly saying yes whilst looking somewhere else. If you want your relationship to remain fresh, interesting and inspired, communicate on every level.
Have fun in relationships as though you were on a first date. Being with someone is fun, exciting, interesting and loving. Just because you have been seeing each other for a while makes no difference at all. Fun is fun, whatever the age, you should be laughing and having great time even if you have been together 40 years, so coming home and stating that you are tired and dreary every day won’t wash. You were not like that when you began to date so keep it alive by constantly finding ways to have fun together. Laughter heels a lot of ills and at the end of the day, you are together because you enjoy each other’s company. That should never change.
It Takes Two to Tango
Relationships are not one sided affairs but a commitment and agreement between two people to want to share their space, time, company and lives together. If you are not married you are not obliged to do this with anyone at all so if its not working out don’t hang about. If it is working out then make sure that you both keep putting into the relationship and investing in your joint well-being. As long as you are both involved in your relationship it will work. The problem arises where one feels it is simply too one sided. So always take a rain check every now and again to ensure that you are both as fully committed as you should be.
We are Not the Same
Accept that you are not the same people, neither clones of each other. You have separate interests , hobbies, emotions and moods. Be empathetic and sympathetic to each other as well as giving each other the regular space they require without too much questioning. Just because you have come together for your common good doesn’t mean that you don’t need an afternoon off occasionally and neither does it mean that you love each other any less. Ensure you retain your space and special time and activities and retain your self identity as needed. If this causes a problem you guys need to talk.
People are Human
No one in this world is prefect. No one, not even me! Ha ha, seriously, when we meet someone we like and we begin our relationship we may well have set high standards and that is fine, but human beings have lots of strange quirks and foibles and ways of doing things. Not everything will meet with your approval and mot every element of behavior will be perfect. We don’t like in an ideal world and we don’t live in fantasy land. Difficult relationships are absolutely normal and understanding that is the key. We all begin by dreaming that everything will be perfect and then something happens that upsets us. Take this in your stride. Accept it and move past it. Loving someone is about everything in life, not just about idealistic romance.
Arguing May Be Healthy
One of the problems in relationships isn’t just the lack of communication that can develop, but the retention of problems inside that are allowed to build up and then release uncontrollably. If there is a problem we should talk about it. Personally I hate arguing and it is not part of my ideal relationship view. However there is a great deal to be said for having a good shout and a good argument. It releases frustrations and discontent and quickly brings things to the fore. We release our frustrations and suddenly we are communicating. Stress is released and we feel better. And in any relationship the best thing about an argument is the afterwards where we feel emotional, sorry for getting angry, and we make up in the most passionate of ways.
Keep Having Sex
How many times have you heard that married people don’t have sex. We don’t have the room here to discuss the vast reasons why, but boredom and complacency often creep in. Lack of creativity, over familiarity and routine are all concerns and causes. A married friend once told me that he and his wife don’t have sex for 6 months and when they finally do it feels like they are new lovers again. This last for another 6 months then they stop again. A cycle that has gone on for 7 years! Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you don’t match in the bedroom you are kidding yourselves and ultimately you may have longer term problems. To keep a relationship going well, make sure that you do not neglect the bedroom – and anywhere else for that matter!
Keep dating your partner and keep the romance alive. Love them like you just met the,. Surprise them constantly and buy flowers when you want to. Little notes and gifts are important as is attention and time spent with each other. Whilst you may both have regular commitments that is absolutely no excuse not to call spontaneously or to make breakfast in bed for your partner unexpectedly. Whilst people naturally do change over longer periods of time, it is down to both of you to keep the passion alive and to do so you do need to make the dating effort. So my advice is keep dating your partner and make them feel freshly loved.
Relationships Take Work
Yes, don’t fool yourself. You parents may have been married for 40 years but that doesn’t mean that I has been easy. They will often say that relationships and marriages take a lot of work. What they mean is a great deal of understanding, compromise, negotiation and overcoming of problems and difficulties along the way. Making time for each other is essential as are shared experiences, vacations and simply being there. Making your relationship a priority in your lives is also absolutely essential. Often this will mean putting yourself second and taking a back seat. It may mean that your choices aren’t a priority and that you won’t always be first. Solid relationships are about compromise and acceptance so don’t underestimate what that means. Nothing worth having ever came for free.